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Why the English don't Speak English

...an "Eclectic Channel" Podcast

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This is an auto-generated speech-to-text transcript of an "Eclectic Channel" Podcast

 

 

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Good afternoon from Southeast Asia. If you have been to England ever, you know that English

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is rarely spoken in England. Now there's a reason for that, and I have studied that

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extensively. And the way this came into being, the way this curiosity came into being was

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that we do an awful lot of alien encounter podcasts, and we go through reports of alien

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stuff, interactions, maybe tall tales, bullshit, most of it. We go through them and we get

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quite a few reports from England, and we have to go through and read the written reports

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directly from England. And the problem is that those written reports, even though they're,

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you know, they kind of look like English, it's not. It's some other morphidite, bastardized

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dialect of something, somewhere. Now, most people don't understand what that is, but

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I do, and I'm going to tell you. Okay, now here's how this came into being. The reason

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you cannot understand English is this. Long, long time ago, I believe around the ninth

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or tenth century, ninth century, I think, there were a bunch of people in East Africa,

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all up and down, kind of all up and down the coast of East Africa. You know, in those days

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there were no country, no political boundaries, but you know, groups lived here and groups

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lived there. And a lot of them along the east side of Africa spoke Swahili. That was a native

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language. And Swahili is still spoken today. It has survived amazingly. In fact, it seems

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to be, you know, enjoying a little bit of a resurgence. I don't know why, really, but

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it is. Whatever. That's not our focus. There were a lot of, we're going to call them, what

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you could say, Swahili's, Swahiliens. I don't know. Anyway, there is a bunch of those people

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speaking Swahili, okay? And as so happens sometimes, pretty often, well, maybe even

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always, you know, you've got some big group of people and there's going to be some malcontents

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in there. And the malcontents kind of band together, form their own little cliques and

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groups and they, little by little, they tend to separate themselves from the main population.

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So that happened in the regions of those Swahili land, you know, along the eastern coast. Okay,

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so over a period of, I don't know, some hundreds of years, this group of malcontents who were

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originally, you know, part of the core Swahili-speaking people, they became disenchanted, disenfranchised

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with the motherland, you know, their mother core tribes of people. And so they started

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splitting off, splitting off, and that caused some strife and then some squabbles and then

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some battles, you know? And basically, both sides, you're just kind of giving each other

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the middle clause and, F you, F you, we hate you. No, we hate you more. No, we're going

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to kill you. Okay, and it went like that for a couple hundred years. Okay, so finally,

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these malcontents were far outnumbered by the base core population of the Swahili people.

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And, but they were mouthy. Oh God, they were mouthy. They were just rude, insolent sons

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of bitches, you know? So they're always mouthing off to the Swahili people, you know, those

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are the people who gave them life for God's sake, you know? Anyway, they couldn't stop

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the insults and they couldn't stop the mouthing off and the foul crap. And it so happened

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that this, the population along the eastern coast was pretty white skinned. You know,

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they were African, but not all Africans, you know, they have a different, all kinds of

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different skin tones. They're not all one skin tone. They tend to be darkish, but not

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all, you know? And anyway, so these, this group, the core group of the Swahili started getting

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more and more pissed off at the malcontented Swahilis. And they started pushing them, pushing

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them, you know, saying, look, look, you don't like us, we don't like you. Just, you know,

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just go, just, just go. Look, you know, hoof it. Come on, a little faster, come on, just

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go, go, go west. You know, there's a lot, God, it's a big country, you know, go west.

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You can just go west, you can be left alone. And, you know, come on, come on, let's go.

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Here's your stuff, here we, come on, come on, we, we really don't like you, you know,

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we're tired of killing you. We got other things to do, you know, come on, come on, trot, trot,

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you can go, you can walk faster, walk faster, walk faster, trot, trot. You know, and they've

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got syrup sticks and they're poking them, poking them, poking them in the back, poking

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them in the ass, you know, go west. Okay, so the, so the malcontented Swahilis, Swahilians,

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whatever, they, they kind of sort of got the message, you're like, okay, okay, shit, this

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just isn't working out, you know. Eastern Africa is not big enough for the both of us.

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And so they started trekking, trekking west, across Africa, God, it was a long time, took

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them, I don't know, a hundred freaking years, 50 years, something like that, to get across

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there. And they ended up settling along the western, northwestern bulge of Africa, you

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know, the horn sort of. And they, they settled along in there and there was other people

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there and they didn't really like these, these malcontents either, you know, they, they're

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just trouble making big mouth flapping their Swahili jaw, you know, they just couldn't

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stop. God, they just caused trouble every place they went. Every place they went, they

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caused trouble. And so, so their lives were there in western, northwestern Africa, they,

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they wasn't very good either. And one of the problems was that the, the original core

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of Swahili people, it just, it just continued to rankle them. They could not forget the

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insults that had been hurled at them by the malcontented Swahili. They just couldn't

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let it go. Even though this group of malcontents, you know, I don't know how many, a few hundred

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thousand, I suppose, I don't know, I'm not sure. Even though they're gone, they're,

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they're over there in West Africa, the, the people from East Africa just couldn't let

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it go. They're like, you know, let's go get them. Let's ask, ask you how to wipe them

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out because we don't like them, you know. We don't want them in Africa. Let's just

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kill them all. That's a good idea. We've got nothing better to do. You know, we've

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had a good year harvesting snake meat and stuff like that. And, you know, we're fat.

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We can leave the wives for a year, you know. Let's just go get those bastards and kick

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their asses. Let's just kill. And so they, they did. They, they got, they, they put together

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their warring factions, you know, a bunch of tribes. And they agreed upon the mission.

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And the mission was to go west, find where the, the malcontented Swahili, Swahilians

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had set up shop. And find them and see them. Just slaughter them. Just make sure they don't

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ever come back. You know, that was kind of what they were thinking, I'm pretty sure.

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Just get them gone. Just, you know, into the sea, into the corn, out of sight, out of mind,

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gone. Okay. So that was the deal. And they trudged across all of Africa. Trudged across

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through the swamps, through the jungle. And they got there and they, and they found them.

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They weren't hard to find. I mean, they're the only people over there in all of West

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Africa that spoke Swahili. So all I had to do is go around and say, hey, anybody speak

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in some stupid shit language? And everybody, yeah, those guys, those guys, go, go, go,

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get them. Get them. We don't like them. And a bunch of those people, the locals joined

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in because they knew this was a, this was a big brewing battle. And they wanted the

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Swahilis, the malcontents, they wanted them out also. So now they got a big force. They

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got the original Swahilis and they got the add-ons, you know, coming into the forces.

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Every mile that they marched to the West, they added more and more and more to them.

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And pretty soon, you know, they outnumber the malcontents by, I don't know, 20, 30,

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40, 50 to one, you know. And they cut up with the, with the core populations of them and,

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and they slaughtered the ones they found along the way. And nobody stopped them. They didn't

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care, you know. They're just a bunch of rude, insolent assholes. Just, yeah, please kill

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them. We'll help you. Yeah. Some of the wives are kind of hot, you know, you can have them.

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Whatever, we can give a shit. Just, mm, that'd be all the more snakes for us, you know. And

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so there were some battles and some skirmishes in the, in the, and the big army, they met

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up with the core of the malcontented Swahili people there in West Africa. And they started

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to have a big battle. And the malcontents, they just said, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait,

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wait, wait, no, no, no, this is bullshit. You know, you outnumber 30, 40, 50 to one.

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We're going to lose. We, you know, we're kind of stupid, but we know we're going to lose.

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And the big army, they said, well, what do you propose? You know, what do you want to

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do here? Cause you know, he's just, all I got to do is I just, I go like that. You're

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dead. You're just dead. You're just fucking dead. Easy. You know, we won't even get scratched.

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And the malcontents, they said, you know, we could kill you all if we wanted to, because

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we're, we're tough and we get really, really big mouths. You know, we can insult you right

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to freaking death, you know, if we wanted to, but, but, but wait a minute, wait, but,

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but, but no, no, that hurts. Stop it. Stop it. I'm not finished yet. Jesus. Let me finish.

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But here's what we propose. Assholes. What do you say we just hoof it on up North? We'll

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just go. Cause the handwriting's on the wall here. You know, sticks and stones can break

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your bones, but you know, our words will never really hurt you all that much. So we're just

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going to go. We're just going to go. We're not really happy here anyway. We don't like

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these people. They're assholes. Everybody's assholes. We're going to go North. And the

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main force, they said, good idea. So they hung around, helped them pack up. You know,

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they took the women they liked, eat a lot of the kids because they were hungry, you

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know, after trudging across Africa. Sorry. That's a long, long, long stick and wait.

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And I don't think the malcontents really complained all that much because they know they're going

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on a long, long trip to the North. They don't even know what's North. They don't even know

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what's up there. They just know, you know, that's one direction that's away from the

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Swahili's and maybe better not to have all that many kids anyway. You know, if they're

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under 10, you know, they can't really carry anything. They can't even catch a snake for

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God's sake. You know, they're just a liability and they're a lot of trouble. So they kind

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of left them behind a little bit, you know, and then the main Swahili force would snatch

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them up and eat them. Nobody really cared, you know. So once the malcontents are gone,

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they're gone. They're trudging North to New Horizons. Okay. So the main force of the original

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stock Swahili, they said, okay, mission accomplished. See you. Don't come back. Don't do it. Don't

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even think about it. And of course the malcontents, you know, they're just mooning them and flipping

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them off and shit like that as they're going North. But whatever, it's no big deal. They'll

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skin off the nose of the real Swahili. Okay. So the Swahili's, they go home and everything's

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fine back in Swaziland, you know, Swahili land and like that. Everything's okay. Done.

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Now those bastards, those malcontents, those bastard sons of bitches, they're gone. You

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know, we don't know where they're going, but they ain't coming back here. So, done deal.

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So now the malcontents, they're trudging, trudging, trudging, going North, going North.

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They don't know what the hell they're going to find. And I think, I can't remember the

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numbers. You can look it up. You can Google it. I'm thinking 200,000, something like that.

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150,000, something like that. I'm not 100% sure I forget some of the details, you know.

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So they get up to the Northern coast, you know, and they're thinking, oh hell, what

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do we got to do now? Can't stay here. We try to settle here. Those bastards, those Nandrathal

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bastards, they're going to come and kill us. Like they did before, you know. And so they

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learn to make some rafts and shit like that, tie logs together, stuff like that. And, you

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know, they paddled on across that little creek kind of a thing there between Africa and Great

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Britain. Not a creek, it's more like a river, you know, pretty big. But they paddled across

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there and I don't know what the attrition rate was. It's hard to get really accurate

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stats, you know, from back then, because now we're talking 1200, 1300s, I think, somewhere

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around in there. No, 1100, 1200, I think in there. 80. And, but they lost a lot of people

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crossing that little inlet. Because, you know, they weren't sailors anyway and the water

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up there is cold. And, you know, stuff got them, I guess. I don't know, they get tired,

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they slipped off the log. Who'd have probably had some little storm or something? I don't

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know. They lost a lot of people. They probably lost, I don't know, from reading the historical

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records, I would guess 20 to 30% of their people just crossing that little piece of

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water to get to Great Britain. But anyway, they finally made it and they all, you know,

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coagulated on the southern shores of Great Britain and they kind of got their bearings

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and got their senses together and they're thinking, hey, you know, it's colder than

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F. But, you know, I don't know, maybe there's some possibilities here. It's, geez, there's

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a lot of game. There's not really too many snakes and, you know, it's not too bad, really.

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It's not so jungly. Maybe we could make a life here. They ran across some locals and

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the locals were not too bad, you know. They didn't share any language and so it was difficult

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for the locals to figure out that these Swahili male contents were assholes because it takes

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a while. If you can't speak their language, it takes a while to figure out their assholes.

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You know, anytime you go to a new culture anywhere in the world and if you don't speak

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that language, you're not going to know who's who in those people. You're not going to know

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if you're dealing with good people or bad people because their customs and their mannerisms

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and their language and everything is different. So it takes really seriously about 10 times

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as long to figure out if another culture, you know, what makes the people tick. And

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so that was really to the benefit of the male contents up there in southern Great Britain

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because nobody knew they were assholes. It took them a long, long, long time to figure

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it out. But they wanted to see what was more to the north because there was a lot of people

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along the southern coast there. They thought, ah, shit, you know, we kind of wanted to find

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a place of our own. So they just kept pushing north, pushing north. They didn't have to

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go very far. And they got into what turned out to be pretty much the center of the island

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of Great Britain. And now they call it England, but of course then it wasn't called anything.

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They probably had some Swahili name or something. I don't know. I really care. And so they settled

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in there and there were some locals around, but really not that many. They killed pretty

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much everybody that came across because that's the way of the Swahili male contents. You

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know, they like to kill stuff. So they did. They killed a lot of people there in what's

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now England. At that time, there wasn't really too much of a really cohesive social network

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there. There were just stragglers. People from Scotland had come down a little bit south

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and people from Wales had come a little bit east and you know, like that. There was a

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few Frenchy frogs hanging around, but really not a cohesive society. So it was easy just

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to pick them off, pick them off. Pick them. I want that land. A few. Stick them in the

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guts with a sharp stick. So they just went around doing that. And pretty soon people

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learned to fear them because they were just illogical, irrational, violent freaking assholes.

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And so they settled there. They settled there in central Great Britain. And they went along

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and people didn't really bother them too much. They figured they were way far enough away

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from the original core Swahili population that they'd never be bothered by them. And

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you know, the few groups that were around them weren't really pushing back too hard.

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And they thought, okay, this is our land. This is where we're going to live now. It

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might have been as early as 10th century, 11th century. I can't remember exactly. It

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doesn't matter. It's a long, long time ago. A thousand years. And so they were speaking

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Swahili. Okay. They were speaking their bastardized slang version of Swahili. And that's one of

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the things that actually caused a lot of the friction between the malcontents and the traditional

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Swahiliens. That was one of the big risks that they had was that nobody could understand

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them anymore. It's like even in the US today, you have segments of the population who just

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continue trying to make up their own language. It's not based on English. You know, it's

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just some other shit that they lead such isolated lives in their little hoods and stuff that

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they lose track of English and they start speaking some other shit that nobody can understand

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except them. And then they try to go get a job and they can't because nobody can understand

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them. And then there's dialects within dialects. And then pretty soon, even those people can't

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understand each other. And then, yeah, no, you can't do that. But anyway, the Swahili

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malcontents who had claimed the England area for their own, they just continued to bastardize

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that Swahili language until it got to the point where it was barely recognizable from

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Swahili, from the original Swahili. It just got worse and worse and worse. It was just

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a mess. They came up with so many bizarre words that they invented out of thin air.

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You know, they got weird crap. There's a, you know, they did it. Bog roll. What the

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hell's a bog roll? Dosh. You know, Begsy. Chocoblock. What the hell? What does that

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mean? Chocoblock. Does that mean to rape a tiger? What the hell does that mean? Chocoblock.

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Okay, no one knows. Only they know. Garmless. And they got God's Swallop. No, no, no, it's

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Cod's Swallop. What in God's name is that? I don't know. Nobody knew. And they had this

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weird accent that had originally been Swahili, but then as they integrated a little bit with,

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you know, the Welsh and the Scots and, you know, people around there and then a few people

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from over on Snake Island, you know, Ireland like that. That tended to morph and change

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their accent a little bit. And those people introduced some words and they ended up with

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this bizarre language that only those people, I mean, we'll call them the English now, only

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they could understand each other. Now the Scots saw this developing and they came down

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quite a few times and said, look, we can't even understand you. You know, you want to

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trade shit with us, you got to learn to speak some kind of English because we don't know

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what the hell, God, you're speaking, you know, it sounds like a dog with a gut ache or something.

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Holy crap, you know, and the Scottish tried to teach them English. And then much, much,

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much later, you know, up in the, I don't know, 1700s, Americans started going over and they

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were trying to tutor the English in English and they were just highly resistant to it.

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They just didn't want to listen. They didn't want to learn, you know, they had their dialect

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and they spoke it the way they wanted to speak it. And, you know, if you couldn't understand

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it, well, they're just too damn bad. We don't care. And so that's kind of the way it just

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developed like that. And now it's called British, you know, pretty, eventually all the Americans

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and the Scots and the Snake Island people and everybody else, they just gave up because

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they finally realized that, you know, those English people, they're never going to learn

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English. They've got this bastardized Swahili shit that they speak. And that's all there

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is. That's as good as it's ever going to get. And so anyway, when we were doing those alien

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reports that came from England, we would have to go through it. I could translate them pretty,

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pretty much, you know, like 80%, 85%, I could translate and turn them into English that

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people could understand. I could do that with a written word. I couldn't do it with a spoken

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word. If there was audio of those reports, I could understand a damn word. Might as well

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be speaking, I don't know, Swahili or something like that. And that's the way it continues

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until today. The British, the English, the British, some of them learned to speak English

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a little better. You got some dialects there in England that aren't even remotely close

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to the God's own English. Some of them just, I don't know, if they say something like,

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it's a beautiful day today, it sounds so grating on the nerves, it's fingernails on a black

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board. You just want to slap them, slap them. God, it's horrible. Anyway, okay. So now there's

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not a lot of schools that teach this. Some do. So I'm going to go ahead and suggest that,

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you know, for any educational purposes, a school, a real bona fide certified educator

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can use this, this little tutorial on how the British came to speak, whatever the hell

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it is they speak. I mean, it's kind of loosely based on English now because the Scottish

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and the Americans and so forth, you know, they came in and they tried to clean up this

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British language. It helped a little bit, you know, 10% probably helped. If you get

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them to repeat something three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten times and you

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make them speak really slowly and sometimes you keep a scratch pad and you make them spell

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out the word that they're trying to speak, you know, sometimes you can order a lunch,

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you know, in England. You can do that. I mean, you're not going to have any deep philosophical

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conversations or anything like that. Unless, well, I was going to say, unless you go learn

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Swahili. There are more and more people today who are learning Swahili and I don't know

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why, but the hell, they go into Swaziland? Who wants to learn Swahili? But anyway, people

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more and more, they're learning it. And I was going to say, if you went and learned

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Swahili, then you could go to England and speak with the British, but no, you can't

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because the British have now deviated so far from even Swahili. I mean, they made it away

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from Swahili, but they didn't make it all the way to English. So what's the halfway

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point in between? It's called British. That's where they're at. So when you have to do business

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of any kind like that, you know, you just got to muddle through it as best you can.

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I am actually an English teacher. I'm not going to waste my time in the British, you

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know, arrogant bastards. They don't even listen, you know. They just give you the middle claw.

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Munya, get back to speaking there. Shit. I've given up, as most have. Now, that's

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the story of the British language. People out there in Snake Island, you know, Ireland,

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that's a whole different story. They are not related to that at all. And then you got the

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Scottish, you know, the Scottish are one of the few that speak the God's own English.

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You know, where am I from? Scottish are the God's people, okay, in every way. I don't

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know why they didn't come down and route out the British. God knows they should have, but

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maybe someday they will, you know. Maybe I could agitate them, you know, stir them up.

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Okay, whatever. That's a whole other video. Okay, so there you go. There you have it.

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So educational people, certified, bona fide educational people, you can use this in your

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classroom. Your students will learn stuff. They'll learn about the real, true history

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of the world and humanity. God knows they're not getting the truth out of you. That's enough.

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I can't do anymore. No. Thank you very much and good evening and good night. Holy crap.